I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Do you have feelings for this penis?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
