the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
