I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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