I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
