I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
