I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
