you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
