i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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