I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
