Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
