this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
