dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
birth control should be required to get into college
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
