i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My vagina is officially offended.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
