I should be sponsored by Trojan
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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