i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
