just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
