i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
