Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
