I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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