Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
