ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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