I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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