people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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