Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
