The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Randomize
