just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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