woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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