I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
