mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
