My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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