i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
