just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize