drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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