broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
