I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
