and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
