OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
