Old men and throwing up are my life now.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
