You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
