Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We need a shit load of segways right now
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize