Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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