Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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