just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
