That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
