My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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