you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize