Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
