Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
