you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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