i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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