Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
