I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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