i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i think i have two assholes
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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