You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
