Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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