i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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