Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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