my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My penis needs a shock collar
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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