My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
