She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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