So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize