We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
