people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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