how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
