I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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