where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
